


Matter of Wizard Pride

by mapleandmahogany



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Ficlet, Friendship, Hogwarts Era, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, The Quidditch Pitch: From Diagon Alley to Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-05
Updated: 2006-03-05
Packaged: 2018-10-27 16:52:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10813011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mapleandmahogany/pseuds/mapleandmahogany
Summary: A HBP 'missing moment'. The trio are studying and the boys find one of Hermione's books very appealing. Interesting conversations follow......





	Matter of Wizard Pride

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes:

I only hope that it gives someone a giggle.. cheers.

**This story was selected as one of the Quidditch Pitch Editor's Choice of April 2006. I very giggly thank them for the honor!**

* * *

   
   


Matter of Wizard Pride – a ‘missing moment’ set during Half Blood Prince.

   


 

   


Ron was bored and lunch was still more than an hour away. It was an absolutely perfect Sunday morning in the spring, and he was annoyed to be in the library. Hermione was sitting at the end of the table to his right, and was diligently scribbling away at her Arithmancy work. Harry, on his left, had already ignored Ron’s attempts to lure him into skiving off. _Damn him_ , Ron thought _,_ _this year Harry actually liked doing his Potions essays, and the Prince’s Potions book sure helped him along plenty._

   


Ron attempted to distract his friends from their work and attract attention to him, first by repeatedly sighing and huffing.  Then he rocked his chair back onto its hind legs and let it crash to the floor again. However he stopped that after Madam Pince rapped him in the back of the head with her wand as she passed. 

   
Giving up on his friends, he slumped down, laying the side of his face on the table in front of him. While he observed the room from this view, he took in the titles of the books stacked around Hermione. _How to Identify Counterfeit Rune Markings_ – _boring_ , he thought _. Techniques of Wandless Transfiguration_ _– definitely boring_ , he thought _. The Human Body of Art in Muggle History – that might have possibilities,_ he concluded. _  
_ _  
_

Without exacting the effort to peel his face off the table, he reached his lanky arm to the book with the intriguing title and pulled it towards him. After flipping it open to the first page he sat up sharply, an impish smile creeping over his face. He turned to the second page, and it also seemed to please him. He took a quick glance at Hermione and then subtly elbowed Harry, causing him to look over. Ron indicated at the page with a nod downward and Harry looked at the page. He quirked an eyebrow and with a slight smile nodding his head in approval. Across both pages was the still image of a Muggle painting with the title - _Celebrating the Moon_. The vibrant painting portrayed five young ladies dancing in the moonlight wearing naught but sheer nightdresses with flowery garlands draped around them. Their breasts were quite well defined through their gowns, as was the dark hair between the legs of one, and the round buttocks of another. Both boys cast a quick guilty look in Hermione’s direction and Harry went back to his paper, stifling a snigger. Ron shamelessly turned another page. 

   


He turned several more pages, each one causing him to sit up straighter and smile broader. The book was proving quite distracting for Harry. One painting titled, _Three Sisters Bathe_ , was not an image of young children taking a bath, but of two young women in a large tub, clearly washing each other’s bare fronts, while the third, also nude, was pouring water over the one under her. With his gaze quite focused on the Sisters, Harry’s quill now hung suspended over his parchment, dripping ink and Ron looked as if he’d found a galleon. 

   


“Hermione,” he said slowly, not looking up at her, “this book is, well, it’s _indecent_. They’re all _naked_ , every picture.” Though by his expression he didn’t seem to be truly bothered by it.

   


She gave him a dismissive grunt but didn’t look up from her work.

   


“No, really,” he said, in a hushed tone and now tearing his eyes away from the book, “if you get caught with this you’ll get tossed out of here.”

   


“Don’t be ridiculous. Madam Hooch and Professor McGonagall both looked through it at the Prefect meeting and said it was a lovely acknowledgment of Muggle art.”

   


“Madam Hooch, eh?” Ron chortled, “well, yeah, she _would_ approve of it wouldn’t she?” He winked at Harry who quietly laughed but kept composure.

   


“She’s not _like_ _that,_ Ron!” 

   


“Oh right, sure she’s not,” he said and continued to admire the book.

   


“Only the first half is of female art you know, the second half is devoted to the male form as well.”

   


Harry had clearly found distraction enough with Ron’s new find. They both now were pointing out their favorite attributes of this one or that one.

   


Turning another page both boys made a sound of something between a grown and sigh and sank a little in their seats, their gazes fixed on the page. Hermione couldn’t help but look at what caused this reaction. The portrait looked more like a still photograph, and showed a beautiful Mexican girl sitting in a shallow stream of water. Her head tilted back into the sunlight and her white blouse, wet and clinging to her body, revealed her ample bosom and dark firm nipples through the fabric. She wore very short denim shorts, which were unbuttoned, and with her knees bent and legs parted, there was little left to imagine what lie just behind the denim. Harry and Ron both stared transfixed with expressions of longing.

   


“Oh honestly you two!” Hermione looked at them with disgust. “I would have expected this from you third year maybe, but not now – this is _art!_ ” 

   


Harry looked chagrinned, but Ron coolly collected himself. 

   


“I don’t know what you’re on about, Hermione. I have nothing but utter respect for this book of _art,”_ he said as he held the book to his chest protectively. “As a matter of fact, I’m quite keen aboutart. Why don’t we have art classes here at Hogwarts anyway? This is a subject that clearly needs more study.” Hermione pursed her lips at his sarcasm and turned back to her work.

   


Grinning to himself, he set the book back on the table and continued through it. The next page caused both Harry and Ron to sit up again and lean down in for a closer inspection. 

   


“Blimey…” Ron uttered.

   


Hermione, unable to resist such bait, observed the open book. 

   


“That,” she instructed, “is a rendering of sculpture work on an ancient Indian Temple.” 

   


At this point she couldn’t help but be amused at the awe struck and slightly fearful looks on their faces. The two-page layout portrayed a sprawling orgy, a multitude of lovers, all in a tangle of body parts. One was making love to another, who was orally satisfying another, who was fondling one above him, who was being taken from behind by another. Clearly, neither Ron nor Harry had ever contemplated such a scene. Hermione gave up on her work and rested her chin in her hand to watch her two friends consider the pages before them. Their juvenile behavior was now entertaining.

   


After a few moments study, Ron broke, “well, some of these blokes just had to be Metamorphmagus. After all you couldn’t do _that_ ,” he indicated at one, “without removing your left leg altogether. And _that_ just wouldn’t be possible without being considerably taller.” Hermione covered her mouth and suppressed a giggle.

   


Harry seemed to agree with Ron and added about the next image, “And I reckon I’d need my Firebolt to try that one.” They both giggled like the eleven year old boys Hermione had first met. They went on to study the following image and both looked a bit confused. Ron held the book up in front of them, and both leaning together, angled their heads to the left as Ron rotated the book to the right. 

   


“Wow,” Harry said, mesmerized, “I never….” he stared off and seemed to contemplate the image for a moment. He then caught Hermione’s eyes and blushed and looked down. 

   


“Well, I say,” Ron said looking at Harry perfectly nonplussed, “good for him then!” 

   


They turned to the next page and both faces fell to disappointment. They had apparently come to the second half of the book, the male half. Harry took a deep breath and returned to his own parchment, using his wand to remove the ink spots he’d let drop earlier. Ron made to close the book but Hermione piped beginning to scold, “But Ron, you said you respected the _art!”_

   


He squinted his eyes at her sarcasm but then, holding his head high and setting his jaw, he stoically continued through the book. He couldn’t give into Hermione’s goading. She continued to observe him while attempting to page through a book of her own. Ron turned another page, looked down, and crinkled his nose in disgust and shook his head. 

   


“They’re nutters, they are.” He thumped Harry on the arm again catching his attention and then flicked the page with the back of his fingertips. Harry looked, then looked closer, and with a serious expression and slight shrug, shook his head. They shifted in their seats uncomfortably as they grimaced at the portrait of nude renaissance musicians. The following page of a scene titled _Schoolboys in the Rhine_ was too much.

   


“Oi!” Ron groaned and winced as if in pain. 

   


“What is it?” Hermione asked looking confused. 

   


“I’ll never understand their kind, completely mad!” he said, unable to draw his gaze from the offending portrait. Hermione leaned over to consider the painting that distressed him so. It showed about ten older boys, probably Harry and Ron’s age, in various states of undress and about to go swimming. Aside from their simply being well-endowed nude males, which clearly Ron didn’t enjoy like he did the females, she didn’t see what the particular trouble was. She looked at him quizzically.

   


“They’re, well,” Ron cast a quick look at Harry and leaned low to Hermione uncomfortably, “they’ve all been, you know, _mutilated._ ” 

   


She looked puzzled for a moment and then looking at the boys in the portrait again. 

   


“Oh! You’re referring to the circumcision?” Ron made another painful groan and waved both hands in front of him as if to stop her words. Hermione bit her lip to control her grin, thinking him rather silly. 

   


“Really, Ron, why is that such a problem?” she asked. He looked shocked that she could consider it so lightly. Harry also had an unpleasant look on his face. 

   


“Well, I know it seems silly to wizard-borns, but just think of it; Muggles honestly believed that it was necessary. That it was safer, and healthier and prevented, uh, umm, well they believed it would prevent, _inappropriate_ behavior,” she trailed off, blushing furiously, now not knowing for sure if she really had the temerity to continue this conversation after all.

   


Ron just gaped at her, perplexed, clearly not understanding her reference. Harry smiled knowingly at her and leaned toward Ron and whispered something in his ear while Hermione blushed all the more. 

   


“Nah!” Ron exclaimed, “R _eally_?” he questioned a look at Harry, and then Hermione. After thinking on it for a moment added, “But it doesn’t really prevent it from happening though, does it?” he smirked. Harry nodded in agreement with a grin. 

   


“There is more to it though. Some Muggle cultures believe it is a very spiritual practice, and it’s an important ritual to them” Hermione interrupted, thinking she must steer this conversation away from the topic of masturbation.

   


Ron however, was simply unabashed.

   


“Well, I’m plenty spiritual about my willy too, and you’ll not find me willing to let half it get lopped off!” Harry snickered, and Hermione felt her face get hot. Ron had just colorfully referred to his privates and made her visualize it. She ignored her momentary vision of Ron’s anatomy, and bravely continued, hoping to get control of this conversation. 

 

“I understand your point, and even Muggle science now proves that it isn’t at all necessary and it’s not done nearly as often as it once was. It is far less common than it used to be.” For some reason she felt the need to defend Muggle medicine, however flawed it was.

   


“It’s just demented,” Ron stated plainly, turning another page, shaking his head at the image sorrowfully.

   


“Oh come off it,” she started again. “I know it’s not done in the Wizarding world, but surely by now you’ve known lots of Muggle born wizards who’ve been, _you know_? I mean, well, Dean is Muggle born, right?” Ron and Harry both lit up with wicked laughter. 

   


“Yeah, the poor sod!” Ron said, as they rolled with giggles for moment, while Hermione awaited an explanation. 

   


“He was put right in his place first morning of showers in first year, remember, Harry?” Ron said, still laughing. “We told him to keep that frightful thing put away and out of sight!” 

   


“That sounds downright cruel, how could you do that to him?” Hermione looked grieved, like she did when they discussed House-Elf rights.

   


Ron gathered himself and looked at her earnestly, “I’m very sensitive Hermione. I can’t be exposed to such an unnatural thing as that every day.” Then he quipped with a smirk, “Ol’ Thomas has been very careful with a towel ever since.”

   


“Well, I just can’t believe you’d make such a big deal out of it,” she protested, “I mean, well Harry, you were Muggle raised?” She suddenly gaped at the bluntness of her question. Had she really just asked Harry if he was circumcised?She was in it now. It didn’t really matter, you can’t be best friends with two teenage boys and not have already heard a fair number of crude discussions.

   


Harry blushed, and was taken aback at being brought into this topic, and in so personal a way too. Ron looked indignant and offended on his behalf. 

   


“Go on Harry, tell her,” Ron urged. It was clear to Hermione that they had covered this issue before.

   


“Well,” he stammered for a moment, but seemed to decide this was a point to remain firm on, “I am actually wizard-born, if you’ll remember? And I didn’t go to the Dursley’s until I was already over a year old.”

   


“Perfectly respectable he is!” said Ron, nodding in defiant approval crossing his arms over his chest.

   


“Oh, well, I just thought maybe…” Hermione faltered.

   


Ron nodded deeply at Harry, prodding him further.

   


“Okay, fine.” Harry continued slowly, clearing his throat, he couldn’t believe he was talking about this with Hermione of all people! “I only know this because before I was old enough to bathe and dress myself my aunt used to go on and on about it like I was some kind of freak.” Hermione looked sincerely interested. “Apparently when I was two years old, she took me to my cousin’s doctor and told him she wanted _it_ done to me,” Ron shuddered and Harry looked more embarrassed, “but the doctor told her no, he wouldn’t do it, that I was too old and there was no reason to risk it.”

   


“And you’re a right lucky bloke for it, I’d say!” Ron said. “Though, you know, you blew up your aunt when you were ticked off at her, I wonder what you might’ve done to the poor Muggle doc if he’d tried!” They all laugh at the thought.

   


Hermione looked over the currently displayed portrait of an Egyptian slave clad in nothing but a chain around his neck. Looking vaguely disinterested and shrugging her shoulders she started to return to her work. Ron however, observed her casual brush off and couldn’t stand it.

   


“Wait a minute now, Hermione, you can’t mean to say that you actually prefer… _that_?” he said astonished, indicating the full Monty on display.

   


“I really have no preference at all, Ron,” Hermione stated simply, thinking this had gone far enough. She couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact with him anymore.

   


“Oh yes, you’ve got to!” Ron pressed further. “You’re a witch, you might, you might actually get married and have your own kids someday,” he said this as though he was considering Hermione’s future for the first time himself.

   


Harry decided it was time to get back to his essay homework, he knew how these conversations between his friends could go.

   


“Oh, I _might_? _Actually_?” she said, dripping sarcasm, “what a shocker that would be!”

   


Ron stammered. He meant to challenge her, sure, but didn’t actually mean to offend her. 

   


“What I mean is, well, this is a matter of wizard pride, Hermione. You can’t honestly tell me that,” he began, flipping through a few pages, “that you would prefer this unnatural disgrace, to” he continued, finding another image, “to _this_ fine upstanding chap here.” 

   


He proffered to her two different full size images of young men with nothing but their ‘glory.’ One had been surgically altered, and one had not. The gauntlet had been thrown down, and Ron and Hermione looked seriously, but playfully, at each other. Neither one of them was willing to back down on an argument, even one as absurd as this one. _Why does he care if I have a preference in such matters,_ Hermione asked herself?

   


She bravely took the book from Ron’s hands, and with all the serious scrutiny she used to determine her Arithmancy proofs, analyzed both paintings. Ron watched her intently for some sign of decision. Harry too, was observing her deliberation out of the corner of his eye.  

   


After a moment, she sat upright and faced Ron again. 

   


“I do believe, that in matters such as these Ronald,” she said slowly, closing the book and pushing it in front of her, “that I will defer to your better judgment. Naturally formed is definitely preferable.” 

   


Without any further words by either party, it was settled. Hermione and Harry exchanged quick smiles and returned to their homework. 

Ron, looking rather smug, rocked his chair back onto its legs, looking around. He sat back down and drummed him fingers on the table for a moment. 

   


Then he reached out for the book once again, and opened it.

   


~The End~

   
   


Thank you to _mrspadf00t1_ and my very kind and clever beta abigail! 

The thought of such conversations among the trio gave me a giggle, and I hope it did you too. I know circumcision is rare in England, and would be in Wizarding world, I’m certain, but I’m not so sure fic writers realize what a difference it is to American readers. Please take the time to leave me a review – cheers!


End file.
